You Can't Beat Love may be the most impressively terrible song ever written.
It was destined to be awful before the first line had been written when Eugene decided to write a song about love using criminal justice as a theme, a very heavy lift even for the most gifted of wordsmiths .
Eugene, being Eugene, did not even try for sublety as he added (forced?) one awkward reference after another until he had created a masterpiece of bad songwriting.
The opening line - is a bad play on a the old phrase 'can't beat em join em' but the awkward substitution of 'love' for what's being beaten or joined, gets this word-fest started:
'you can't beat love better join it'
then moves immediately to equating love to imprisonment:
'can't escape or be paroled or avoid it'
but of course pushing it a bit far by adding hiding out to the analogy:
'if you try to hide incognito you'll be found, it will follow wherever you go'
This is where Eugene really takes it to the absurd limit as he goes all in with the law enforcement theme:
'Can't take the Fifth' you have lost your rights
you are denied bail, you are in a love jail'
But it's the final rhyme of the song, the last two lines that really make this song so impressive.
To start with, it might be one of the worst song rhymes ever, but it is the use of an expression, a legal term, that no song writer no matter how skilled could have put in a song the way that Eugene did. Yes, he actually managed to use the term 'habeas corpus' in a song lyric.
Not only did Eugene use habeas corpus in a song, he managed to use it in a line that rhymes, giving us the amazing line:
'no habeas corpus or any writ - you can't beat love better join it'
And that's just the lyrics.
Musically it can be described as simple and juvenile, and the production makes it seem like a kids' song, with the singer giving it the feel of a schoolyard taunt.
So the combination of simple music, kids' song production, and lyrics that reach a new height in bad songwriting, You Can't Beat Love is one of the best bad songs ever.